Your Decision – Your Consequence
The only parenting book I have ever read was, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. When I find something that makes perfect sense to me, something that resonates with me, I stick with it. The philosophy of the book is this: kids like to have some control in their lives no matter how old they are (1-18). As parents, we should indulge them that freedom by giving them things to choose from that we, as parents, can live with.
For example, when younger kids want to pick out their own clothes to wear to school, you could lay out 2-3 shirts and 2 bottoms and let the little one choose between what is offered. The same applies to lots of kinds of choices. The other concept in the book that I think is powerful is the idea of consequences. A child makes a choice and then, as long as he/she won’t hurt themselves physically, lives out the consequence of the choices they make. How many times has your child wanted to go to school without a jacket, thinking it was warm enough they did not need one. Why fight with them? Why argue? Let them go without a coat and let them experience being cold. Next time, they will make a better choice for themselves because the experience they had was based on a choice they made and also lived with the consequence. In my opinion, kids, no matter how old they are, need to make choices and then live with the consequences. That is how they learn.
I wish for, I pray for times when my children can make choices and then experience the consequences of their decisions- good and bad. The thing is, the younger they are when this happens, the smaller the consequences. The older they are, the more serious the consequences. I don’t eliminate the opportunity for them to make choices for themselves. I pray for consequences they can live with and learn from. My husband doesn’t always agree. Two of my kids are in high school and I believe that the grades they get are their grades. Not mine. I try and explain what I believe could happen in their lives with good grades and what options there may be with bad grades. Do I shirk my responsibility or punish for bad grades? Not really. I may take privileges away, things I believe are distractions (phone, Xbox, etc) but I don’t punish. I do not sit in their classes, I cannot study for them or take their tests. So I believe they need to be responsible for their grades.
In my opinion, my job as a parent has less to do with telling my kids what to do as it is to try and discuss their options, support their decisions and watch them enjoy or suffer through the consequences. So pray for consequences when they’re young. When they’re older it could mean the difference between keeping or losing a marriage, a job or their lives.